The Inefficiency of Concealing Emotions
by Anne Marie Vivienne
We’re wired to detect insincerity, and, yet, we don’t often follow our own desire to be honest nor do we always listen to our intuition when we sense that someone isn’t being real with us. It’s a tricky balance when we truly want to believe people, but our body and mind are telling us that something isn’t matching up. It’s that moment when someone tells you that they’re just fine, but you sense they are anything but fine; or when you take a job knowing in your gut that there were a lot of empty promises during your interview; or when someone tells you that they want one thing when you sense that they really want something else.
A Gut Feeling
We know. But it can be a social balancing act to know when and how to respond to someone else’s insincerity. However, we’ve all been in a position where we haven’t been straight with someone, and we spend quite a bit of time and effort trying to support these mini fabricated stories about our mood, intentions, hopes, and dreams.
Honesty and vulnerability are the most efficient pathways to connection––which is what we all want and need to survive a human existence. This path requires mini acts of bravery. Every time someone asks you how you are feeling, give an honest answer. Depending on the person and the situation, you can find a nuanced way of responding in a way that is appropriate. You don’t have to spill your guts to everyone and every detail––even protecting your happiness in some cases might be relevant.
Trust your gut and respond with forthrightness and discretion.
Forthrightness Is The Path of Courage That Leads to Ease
“Forthrightness is the brain’s default response: our neural wiring transmits our every minor mood onto the muscles of our face, making our feelings instantly visible. The display of emotion is automatic and unconscious, and so its suppression demands conscious effort. Being devious about what we feel––trying to hide our fear or anger––demands active effort and rarely succeeds perfectly.”
Goleman explains an experiment conducted by Stanford University where two women were shown a distressing film about the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, and were then asked to talk about how they felt during and after watching the film. One of the women was instructed beforehand to mask her true feelings to see if the other woman and the observing students could detect her insincerity.
The other woman responded with thoughts that she probably wouldn’t ever be friends with the insincere woman, though she couldn’t quite put her finger on what was so off-putting about her. What neither woman could detect was that the insincere woman’s blood pressure was rising as she concealed her emotions, and, since emotions are contagious, the woman telling the truth about her feelings also experience a rise in blood pressure.
No one wins when we conceal our emotions. And we spend a whole lot of time working on continuing to weave a story around the concealment. The effort is completely inefficient and blocks connection.
Subtleties and Nuances of Honesty
We cannot be deeply connected to everyone in our lives at all times. Studies have shown that we can really only cognitively and emotionally handle 5 close friends at a time. And, yet, we have moments of deep connection here and there with strangers, coworkers, family members, and neighbors. Connection can happen at any moment.
When we practice honesty and vulnerability, it is essential to consider the relationship and the appropriate level of honesty. If you’re not feeling happy, and a coworker asks how you’re doing, you don’t have to go into the details. But you can say that you’re having a sad moment that you’re working through and you appreciate their concern and will let them know if there’s anything they can do to help. You could even ask for a little extra space so you can try to focus on your work.
I’ve found that I can overshare with my happiness as well as my sadness. I notice when someone asks how I’m doing and I launch into the details of my amazing day, they get a little overwhelmed or even resentful. Be mindful when you’re being honest. But be honest.
It’s the most efficient way to connection.