The Inertia of Isolation & How To Overcome It
by Anne Marie Vivienne
“Our social interactions even play a role in reshaping our brain, through “neuroplasticity,” which means that repeated experiences sculpt the shape, size, and number of neurons and their synaptic connections. By repeatedly driving our brain into a given register, our key relationships can gradually mold certain neural circuity. In effect, being chronically hurt and angered, or being emotionally nourished, by someone we spend time with daily over the course of years can refashion our brain.”
Your Good Intentions Are Evolutionary
Human connection is just as crucial to our health and longevity as is exercise and physical health. Often, we have to force ourselves to exercise––reminding ourselves of the benefits and how good we’ll feel afterward during the dopamine rush. It’s the same with our social lives. Our good intentions to reach out to others is probably our evolved brain urging us to continually find ways to connect. How many times do these kinds of thoughts enter your mind during the day:
• I should call my mom
• I should stop by my neighbor’s to see how he’s doing
• I should RSVP to my friend’s birthday party
• I should go to that convention where I’ll meet people in my same industry
• I should join that book club my friend has been urging me to consider
• I should invite my friends over for dinner
Somehow the things that are healthiest for us, human connections, become dreaded should’s. Perhaps if we change our language around social connections and realize the benefit we’ll all receive when we move from an isolated inertia to a connected flow, we’re exercising a healthy habit that triggers our brain and results in both physical and mental health––and ultimately the health of a community.
So, how much better does this sound and feel?
• I want to call my mom
• I want to stop by my neighbor’s to see how he’s doing
• I want to RSVP to my friend’s birthday party
• I want to invite my friends over for dinner
Not everyone has to call their mother regularly. Of course, our relationships are complicated. But there are people who are the humans who nourish us and bring us joy. Reach out and connect with them. Often.
Activating + Developing the Human Brain’s Secret Weapon: the smart vagus
Half the battle is getting over the inertia of isolation. There are plenty of conversations around research that shows that our bodies evolved to be active and in motion, not sedentary. So we know we need to exercise more than ever. On the other hand, we’re only beginning to talk about how our brains evolved to be social, and that this is why we survived and thrived as a species.
Reptilian brains only respond with fight, flight, or freeze when they encounter other living creatures. We, too, have these responses. However, our human brains went on to develop the smart vagus which is a nerve directly tied to our social relations. In Wired to Connect, Amy Banks explains:
“It appears that as mammals evolved and life on Earth became more socially complex, there was a need––or perhaps the opportunity––to use social connections as a way to moderate stress. Thus you and I have a smart vagus, a nerve that arises from the tenth cranial nerve at the base of the skull and heads north, where it links with some of the muscles of facial expression, speech, swallowing, and hearing...When you get input from other people’s faces and voices telling you that these people are safe, the smart vagus sends a message to the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems, telling them to turn off. In effect, the smart vagus says, ‘I’m with friends and everything is going to be okay. You don’t need to fight, flee, or freeze right now.’ The smart vagus is one reason we feel less stress when we’re around people we trust.”
So we have this nerve which can and is built to help us lower our stress responses in order to connect, rather than fight, run away, or shut down. However, we can have an unhealthy smart vagus that doesn’t always let us know when we’re safe or unsafe in a social situation. If we had a traumatic childhood or other detrimental experiences throughout our lives, our smart vagus will rewire in a dysfunctional way. We’ll feel unsafe in certain social situations when we’re actual more than fine. Brains, remember, are plastic and can change––in either direction. The good news is, like exercising to rebuild muscles, you can rewire your brain to, once again, have a healthy functioning smart vagus that will lower your stress when you are safe.
The Inertia to Stay at Home or Be a Wallflower
How do you overcome the sedentary inertia to get out your door and exercise daily or a few times a week? You’ve probably read a few articles, maybe some books, and talked with friends and family about how to increase your motivation and follow-through when it comes to exercise. You talk about how tired you are, how you don’t have enough time, how it’s just plain hard. But you find ways to motivate yourself, and you get out there.
Why don’t we talk more about how hard it is get off the couch and engage with other humans? We might talk about how tired we are, how busy we are, how annoying people are. But is that truly the reason we aren’t taking care of our health through social connection? Perhaps, if we’re really being honest, a significant block is we wonder if the investment of time and heart is worth it. Relationships are messy and people can hurt us, annoy us, and even betray us. But they’re valuable. We have to remind ourselves that social connections are not a luxury; connection is necessary.
Before you get overwhelmed with having to be everything to everybody, remember everything in moderation and there is a time and season for everything. You don’t have to be BFF’s with everybody––in fact, research shows that we’re really only capable of having up to 5 close friends. Brené Brown, Vulnerability Queen, says we’re lucky to have 1 or 2 of these close friends in our lives. So relax. You don’t have to go deep with everyone. However, there are levels of every connection that are real and can contribute to your overall health.
Unblocking The Inertia of Concealment
If we’re really being vulnerable, as Brene Brown urges us to be, maybe beyond our excuses of time and energy, we all have some fear of being disliked for all of our shortcomings––how can we take on more people who expect us to always be superhuman?
When you’re sad, you can simply say so without going into the details rather than trying to cover it up with coworkers. Do you have to tell them why in all the nitty-gritty, self-narrative stories that you’re sad? Nope. But be real. Simply acknowledge your emotion and ask for either some company at lunch or space throughout the day––whatever you need. Get over the inertia that we have to hide everything to move through our day. You’re blocking the ebb and flow of life if you’re blocking the emotions that every single one of us experiences.
“The only reason we don’t open our hearts and minds to other people is that they trigger confusion in us that we don’t feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else’s eyes.”
Our self-inflicted isolation might be more about concealment. This could hurt momentarily as you investigate your fears of being rejected, betrayed, or unloved. We’ll never totally escape these painful experiences just as we’ll never escape catching a cold, getting food poisoning, or breaking a bone. Can you imagine if we went through life saying things like, “I got food poisoning. I’m never eating again.” It’s the same with the necessity of connection: we get hurt, and, yet, we have to reach out again. Just like you take a small time away from food when you’re sick, you can take breaks from social connections––but don’t let the inertia of isolation settle in too long.
