Mindfulness Is The Life of The Party
Why Mindfulness is Actually a Social Practice and How we Use it to Connect
by Mauri Hansen
When we think of mindfulness, we often see images of a single person sitting on a meditation cushion in silence. It seems like a commitment, a strain. It feels quite effortful for the promised exchange of a fleeting feeling, inefficient at the level of formula.
“...this error reflects our divided society where body is relegated to the gym, work to the office, healing to the hospital, enjoyment to two weeks’ vacation, and the sacred to weekly visits to church or temple.This very life, your work, your family, your community is the only place...In Zen this is called ‘no part left out.’”
Mindfulness is a Social Practice
Mindfulness doesn’t take place in quiet isolation, but during our interactions with other people and the world around us. I often say jokingly to friends that I’m my best self when I’m alone. Of course, when I’m alone my flaws are not reflected back to me. I don’t make mistakes in words and actions when nobody is there to trigger those responses. I don’t have to navigate the complicated roadmap of social norms, personal patterns of protection, the felt and projected feelings and desires of all the other people in the room. In a vacuum, I am Zen.
Henry David Thoreau said “It takes two to speak the truth - one to speak, and another to hear.” I would add it takes two to genuinely connect, both practicing mindfulness. Here’s an unfortunate but common social interaction:
You’re at an event having a conversation with someone you recently made acquaintances with. You’ve admired her work for sometime and want to get to know her better, personally. You make a joke, and it falls flat. You chastise yourself and start to think about what you’ll say next to prove you’re actually funny. Why can’t you think of anything? You look at her flawless outfit and wish you would have worn a different dress. You worry that she thinks you’re awkward and unfashionable. Someone interrupts your conversation, and she’s off. The conversation is over.
In this example, so much worrying occurs, no time or space is left for connection. These self-centered experiences starve us of the genuine connection we’re all seeking. Both parties walk away unsatiated.
How does Mindfulness Help?
Mindfulness is about bringing our awareness to all of the things we’re experiencing right now: sights, sounds, tastes, smells, touch, thoughts and feelings. It’s simply noticing nonjudgmentally in this moment. And the next moment. And, again in the next moment. How does this differ from worrying and thinking about ourselves? Those self-centered thoughts are thoughts too, shouldn’t we be mindful of them? When we’re worrying, we’re usually focused on things that are not real in the moment: they’re in the past, the future, and the imagined. Mindfulness is about what is tangible in the right now.
I recently heard a psychologist recommend an experiment that helps us navigate the turbulent social seas and experience mindful connection. Next time you’re at an event, have one conversation doing what you normally do: worrying about yourself. Then, have a second conversation during which you focus exclusively on the other person. Compare the two experiences. You’ll find when you take the focus away from your own inadequacies and simply notice the other person, you’ll naturally respond in a way that brings you to a place of connection.
Ellen Langer, the Mother of Mindfulness, has done research that shows when we practice noticing, the person receiving our mindful attention views us as more trustworthy and honest. This space of trust and honesty is a harbinger for connection.
Mindfulness as Connection-–GPS
When we enter an address into Google Maps or Waze, the App shows us where we are in relation to what’s around us, guides us along, reroutes us when we make mistakes, and helps us get to our final destination. Mindfulness practice takes on a similar role--checking in with where we are and bringing ourselves to the final destination, moment-by-moment, of inner-calm, genuine connection, and overall well-being.
To be sure, mindfulness is something we can do when we’re alone. We can be mindful of the food we’re tasting. The way the trees in our yards change with the seasons. How we feel when the sky turns gray and raindrops strike our window. However, we don’t get to experience inanimate objects and weather systems experiencing us, recipricoly. When two mindful humans connect, we “call forth the depth and ingenious” of each other, as Jean Houston said. It all starts with a mindful moment.
“Instructions for living a life.
Pay attention.
Be astonished.
Tell about it.
”
