Is Loneliness Really That Bad?
by Anne Marie Vivienne
photo by Matthew Henry
Why did the UK appoint a Minister of Loneliness? Prime Minister Theresa May claims, “For far too many people, loneliness is the sad reality of modern life.” Have you found this to be true to your day-to-day reality? Do you and others around you feel lonely more than you’d like to? Do you feel disconnected from friends and neighbors, or are you over-connected with a schedule that leaves little room for solitude and self-nourishment? Are you connected, disconnected, and confused?
What is truly making us feel overwhelmed, disconnected, and overwhelmed?
THE SOBERING EFFECTS OF LONELINESS
In studies conducted by Dr. Julianne Holt-Lunstad, researchers discovered that
• 26% increased likelihood of early death for people who suffer from loneliness
• 29% increased likelihood of early death for people who suffer from social isolation
• 32% increased likelihood of early death for people who suffer from living alone
“Substantial evidence now indicates that individuals lacking social connections...are at risk for premature mortality...Current evidence indicates that heightened risk for mortality from lack of social relationships is greater than that from obesity...In a recent report, researchers have predicted that loneliness will reach epidemic proportions by 2030 unless action is taken.”
Furthermore, according to Dr. John Carpaccio's research, Director of the University of Chicago’s Center for Cognitive and Social Neuroscience, 25% of Americans say they have no confidante.
There's a lot of people at risk of living shorter lives than they were born to live. As Holt-Lunstad's research says, we are approaching an epidemic that unless we take action.
LONELINESS DEFINED
Loneliness Is a Perception
“The brain is the organ for creating, monitoring, nurturing and retaining these social connections, so it didn’t matter whether you actually had these connections, what was important was whether you felt that you had them. There is a big difference between objective isolation and perceived isolation, and very quickly we learned that perceived isolation was loneliness.”
INDIVIDUALISM IS SCIENTIFICALLY IMPOSSIBLE
“Americans like to think of themselves as independent, unique, and autonomous, as a classic study by Stanford psychology professor Hazel Markus showed...Americans want to stand out...Our quest for independence may also be responsible for the current crisis of loneliness.”
This is the paradox: we are inseparable, and yet we are who we are. We need solitude; we need connection. We need to make our own choices, knowing how they will affect others, as we try to make a life of joy and service. It’s a dance we’re all quite awkward when we attempt it. Some of us are graceful after years of dedicated practice; others of us are bulls in a china shop as we hold too tightly either on our I-can-do-it-myself-attitude, or we drown everyone around us with our need to constantly have them distract us from our own pain and uncertainty.
As we slow down and pay attention to what is at the root of loneliness, we can learn to communicate needs, wants, and desires––working and dancing together to find the right rhythms of harmony and space.
LONELINESS IS CONTAGIOUS
In another one of Carpaccio’s studies they tracked people’s connections every three to four years. They found that if you have neighbor friend and for whatever reason you begin to feel lonely in your life, you are more likely to deal with your friend cautiously, defensively, and as a potential threat––which means you’ll have more negative reactions and is likely to lead to an end in the friendship over time.
And, yet, the remedy for your lonely neighbor friend is not to quarantine yourself. Rather, the remedy is to reach out with love and generosity. We can be the medicine for each other at a close, but safe, distance. Keep showing up and saying hello. Stand your ground in compassion and love. Of course, allow them space to navigate on their own, but be there ready when they need you.
TAKE TIME TO NEIGHBOR
As we pursue a busy life in the name of success, we are putting our social connections at risk, and becoming increasingly disconnected. It’s imperative that each of us as individuals understands why and how we need each other because loneliness can significantly deteriorate our well-being––loneliness is a health hazard. We might only have short periods of loneliness now at this cultural moment, but our disconnection is quickly sneaking in the back door while we’re glued to our digital devices. Stop and say hello. Invite each other to dinner. Community is literally at your fingertips. Instead of texting, posting, and scrolling––you can take a minute (literally a minute) to knock on someone's door or dial a phone number.