Belonging: So What's the Big Deal?
Why Do You Want to Belong? What Does It Feel Like? Why Does It Matter?
by Anne Marie Vivienne
Why do we want to connect? Why do we want to belong? Because it feels good, it feels safe, and it contributes to our happiness and feelings of success. The more connected we feel, the more we’re able to contribute to society in meaningful and intimate ways. We’ve all experienced low productivity when we feel disconnected, lonely, and depressed. When we feel alone, we also become disconnected from our higher purpose, our flow.
Of course there’s a biological explanation for why it feels so good to connect. First, give yourself permission to seek out deep connection and relationships––it doesn’t make you needy. It makes you human.
We’re All Needy: the dependency paradox
“A culture telling you that you need to separate from others and be independent above all else is selling you an ancient script. Not one that’s based on the brain as it is, but the brain as it was...The old reptile script of surviving on your own, of not needing others to help you develop and grow, is life threatening to mammals. It is life threatening to you...Humans have developed a deep need for good relationships.”
Banks goes on to describe how our brains are shaped and reshaped by our relationships beginning, of course, from the day we are born, and continuing throughout every day of our lives. She emphasizes that it is our relationships that sculpt our brains, and that the quality of these relationships determines our abilities to:
• feel motivated
• remain cool-headed in a crisis
• perceive other people’s social signals with accuracy
The more we can trust another person’s ability and willingness to show up for us, the more we can turn outward to focus on work, passions, and other friendships and relationships. Our adult attachment systems are based on our child attachment systems––if we had parents who were present and instilled a basic sense of consistency and love, we develop secure dependencies.
As a kid, we want to know that if we fall and hurt ourselves we can go crying to mom or dad and they’ll give us a kiss, and bandaid, and reassurance that we’ll be okay. We still need this reassurance in our adult relationships. We need our partners and friends to be there for us when things feel scary or uncertain. As soon as we are able to get a hug, a hand hold, or a quick reassurance of love and belief, we’re ready to face the world again. If we don’t get this reassurance, we become panicked––wondering if our relationship is reliable and trustworthy and we keep reaching out for reassurance until we get it.
Attachment experts researched and found that:
“Attachment principles teach us that most people are only as needy as their unmet needs. When their emotional needs are met, and the earlier the better, they usually turn their attention outward. This is sometimes referred to in attachment literature as “the dependency paradox”: the more effectively dependent people are on one another, the more independent and daring they become...the bottom line is that the need for intimate connection and the reassurance of our partner’s availability continues to play an important role throughout our lives.”
Want to be more daring and independent? Practice and cultivate connection. Nurture a sense of belonging. We do want to feel that we as individuals are making a difference and contributing to this world. It just feels good. We’ll be better at being our individual unique selves when we have a secure sense of belonging––even when our connections change and shift and evolve. When we feel connected and that we belong, we are free to live our best lives freely, passionately, and authentically.
Connection is Comfortable and It Feels Good
We are creatures of comfort––we seek out joy, pleasure, and comfort. Connection builds a sense of ease, love, and acceptance. When we feel these things with others, we have the capacity for great creativity and contribution. When a conversation and a relationship are running smoothly, our brains are picking up on facial cues, the rhythm of speech, and pulse. When connection is present, we have rapport with the other person which creates a warm friendliness.
Daniel Goleman reports on the characteristics of rapport in his book, Social Intelligence:
“Rapport exists only between two people; we recognize it whenever a connection feels pleasant, engaged, and smooth. But rapport matters far beyond those fleeting pleasant moments. When people are in rapport, they can be more creative together and more efficient in making decisions––whether it’s a couple planning a vacation itinerary, or top management mapping a business strategy.
Rapport feels good, generating the harmonious glow of being simpatico, a sense of friendliness where each person feels the other’s warmth, understanding, and genuineness. These mutual feelings of liking strengthen the bonds between them, no matter how temporary.”
Disconnection Hurts
“Our sensitivity to social rejection is so central to our well-being that our brains treat it like a painful event, whether the instance of social rejection matters or not.
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We feel the pain of rejection because somewhere deep inside our brains, we know we need each other to survive. As we try to find our place in the world, we are really looking for our safety net: who can we call when we have to go to the hospital? Who will bring us meals when our spouse is laid flat with a debilitating disease? We know that belonging matters, and so it hurts us when we feel rejected––we know that our life depends upon belonging.
Feelings of loneliness can keep us from having the courage to reach out––we wonder if we belong anywhere at all. Our social anxiety takes over and our brains tell us old stories that reinforce narratives of distrust, hurt, and betrayal. But our hearts tell us that we belong because we’re human. Our hearts remind us that everything’s going to be okay even when a long-time close friend stops inviting you to dinner for unknown reasons; our hearts remind us that we have so many friends to love us when our spouse passes on; our heart reminds us that if we reach out for help, someone will show up.
We want to know that someone will show up and see us. It feels good to know that we’re not alone because we know we’ll thrive and contribute something meaningful during our lifetime. And it feels good to love. Today, love your heart out and let yourself be seen and loved in return. You’ll feel all the lovely feels.