The Secret Ingredient for Efficiency: Human Connection
Why cultivating and practicing connection with coworkers, family, friends, and neighbors contributes to your health and overall ability to focus and work efficiently.
“Social pain is a kind of real pain...In reality, physical pain is no more physical than any other psychological experience we have, such as seeing a red square, discovering the serenity of meditation, or anticipating a great first date…pain is less physical than we typically assume. We know this because pain can be dramatically modified through the power of suggestion, via hypnosis or placebo treatments…
Starting from this view, it is not beyond the realm of possibility that something as seemingly abstract as social pain could be just as tangible and just as painful, from the brain’s perspective, as physical pain...And memories of social pain are much more intense than memories of physical pain.” -Matthew Lieberman, Social
Working Through Pain: broken arm and broken heart
Injuries of the heart affect your productivity at work––social rejection is pain. Trying to work while feeling socially disconnected is like trying to do your work with an untreated broken arm. Address the social pain: if you can’t address it immediately, take a few minutes to sit with and accept your pain––stop trying to multitask by trying to work as you mask your feelings of disconnection. If you feel disconnected with a boss or a coworker, your work will suffer. It will lose its meaning and the quality of your work will suffer.
“The more someone is focused on a problem, the more that person might be likely to alienate others around him or her who could help solve the problem.” -Matthew Lieberman, Social
Perhaps it would be a more efficient use of your time to sit down with your pain, give it your full attention, investigate it, accept it, and get curious. Mindfulness experts and research show that avoiding these feelings or trying to shut them down only makes things messier. If efficiency is what you’re after, taking care of your sense of connection can only benefit your overall output.
Open up with others about your pain to receive priceless input from others––we all experience social pain so you don’t have to feel bad about feeling bad. Notice that you are caught in a painful cycle of harmful thoughts about yourself and, possibly, others, and ask for insight. It’s the hardest thing to do sometimes, but reaching out for connection will unblock you faster than if you were to stew and brood over the pain. Look for the remedies within yourself and among trusted colleagues.
Making Time to Resolve the Disconnect
“Although you may not always be able to avoid difficult situations, you can modify the extent to which you can suffer by how you choose to respond to the situation.” -The Dalai Llama, The Art of Happiness
Do you respond with compassion or do you respond with avoidance when difficult situations arise? If you can’t have a conversation immediately with someone, you can trust that the conversation will happen when it can happen. Breathe, and accept that you feel lonely, undervalued, unappreciated, rejected, or inadequate. Schedule a time for the conversation––a time when you can connect. Even if the conversation that must be had is a conversation with your inner-critic. Make time to connect to where there’s a break in connection.
We all find ourselves in situations where we feel unheard, under-appreciated, and rejected. These moments will happen when someone else belittles us or excludes us. I find that most people do not wish to actually harm each other, but are acting out of their own habits and subtle fears. If we can be brave and ask for what we really need, we might find ways to connect in ways we thought impossible.
Practice Sharon Salzberg’s R.A.I.N.
R - Recognize: you can’t figure out how to deal with an emotion unless you recognize that you’re experiencing it.
A - Acceptance: we tend to resist or deny certain feelings, particularly if they’re unpleasant, but in our meditation practice, we open to whatever arises.
I - Investigate: instead of running away from the emotion, we move closer to it.
N - Non-identifying with the emotion: instead of confusing a temporary state with your total self, you come to see that your emotions arise, last a while, then disappear.
Imagine what kind of productivity ensues from a workplace and a home where people are not preoccupied with painful feelings of rejection and criticism. Connect. Work with each other to encourage learning, expansive imagination, and good ol’ hard work.
If we take time to connect, our results and output will be significantly greater and our sense of meaning and accomplishment will increase.
Connection to Self & Purpose
We are more efficient when we are content, when we are happy. Of course things will be difficult and we won’t always have what we want. But if we waste our thoughts and our time resources on daydreaming for a grass-is-greener scenario, we will actually remove ourselves even further from those goals and dreams. Efficient thoughts are present thoughts––you’re not preoccupied with past disappointments or fears of the future.
Flow is a state of mind. If you can practice connecting to this very moment––to the task at hand, to the person in front of you––your day will reach a fluid state of flow rather than getting stuck in rigid regimens.
“Flow is an optimal state of consciousness . . . the brain takes in more information per second and processes it more deeply.” -Steven Kotler, The Rise of Superman: Decoding the Science of Ultimate Human Performance
Even if your goal is happiness and contentment, not efficiency, you’ll naturally become efficient as you practice connection to others and to yourself. When you enter flow state, efficiency probably isn’t your goal, but, rather, connection to you your purpose and the people you care for most.