5 Common Hosting Mistakes

by Anne Marie Vivienne

No. 1 // Invitations: Face-to-Face NOT Social Media

No amount of time spent designing and posting the perfect Social Media announcements can compete with face-to-face invitations. Sure, design a digital invitation, but tell people about it in person. When you’re meeting new people in casual situations, invite them. Tell them you want them there. Be vulnerable. When you vocalize your need for community, people feel that their presence alone is enough. Social Media posts should only serve as a reminder and a reference––it shouldn’t be your only hope.

Remember when “engagement” meant something other than how many likes or comments you have? Engage with real humans, and invite them to your gathering in person. You’ll be surprised how many people show up when they catch your enthusiasm––because, science says so, emotions are contagious.

No. 2 // Food: NOT the Center of Your Gathering

Yes, there’s power in a shared meal; yes, breaking bread together is a holy community ritual; yes, food can definitely remind us all that we are humans in need of nourishment. However, food often distracts hosts from interacting with their guests and making sure that everyone is comfortable and participating. If you’re running back and forth to the kitchen, worried about how everything is tasting, or taking photos of your picture-perfect dishes, then you’re showing your guests that the food and presentation matters more than their experience.

This is where you’ll lose new people especially. As host, it’s your job to constantly take the temperature of the room to see who might need a little help staying in the conversation or gracefully transferring the attention from the usual suspects. If you’re distracted by the food, then everyone will be too. If everyone’s compliments afterward are about how good the food is, that’s pretty ok, but what you’re really looking for are comments like our favorite kind of comments:

“I haven’t let myself feel any emotions in years. I finally felt something tonight.”
“How did you know I would get along so well with so-and-so? I can’t believe we haven’t met before tonight.”
“When is the next gathering and how do I sign up?”
“I didn’t want to come, but I’m so glad I did. This meant a lot to me.”

No. 3 // A Polite Host Is a Disengaged Host

Take a risk as a host, again and again and again. Sometimes we stay back from starting or engaging in a conversation because we don’t want to interrupt or be rude. We think we want things to happen “organically,” but when it comes to human interactions, we’ll default to our normal behaviors: the conversation dominators will dominate; the wall flowers will cling quietly and nervously to the wall; and the cool kids will leave early for their next party.

Though we’re wired to connect, we’re still creatures of habit. When you are host, you are guiding people through the murky waters of vulnerability. They trust you to show them how to interact. Don’t be afraid to interrupt, redirect, give assignments, and make clear guidelines for every phase of the gathering. There’s no such thing as a bossy host. Keep a sense of humor about you as you direct every conversation, every activity, and every interaction. If you’re having fun directing, your guests will have a really good time participating.

No. 4 // Encourage Friends, Then Separate Them

Tell your guests to bring a friend, a plus-one. And as soon as they walk in the door together, separate them. I find it’s best to hand them a name tag with one half of a joke or a match of some sort. Hand them a drink, and then send them off to find their new friend for the evening. If everyone is meeting someone new, then no one feels awkward. They might feel timid for all of 30 seconds, but once they find their new friend they’ll light up as they get to know each other.

It’s really helpful if you have a list of questions that everyone is asking each other. It keeps it safe for everyone, and you can help them ask questions they don’t normally ask a stranger. This will lead to fast and real connections.

No. 5 // Perfect Does NOT Lead to Connection

If you wait for the perfect night, the perfect conditions, the perfect venue, the perfect group, the perfect weather––you’ll never actually host a connection. When it comes to gathering people, your turnout will ebb and flow. The point is consistency, and you’ll learn with every gathering. You’ll figure out how many people to invite if you want a deep or easy level of connection; that the beverages and snacks should be closer to people, not in the prettiest location, so everyone continues to graze without feeling conspicuous; that ending on time is respectful, even if people are still chatting up a storm; that not everyone will be your BFF by the end of the night, and you might not see any of these people in this same configuration ever again.

You’ll learn that each gathering is imperfect and yet so very genuine in different ways. This will change every time because the people will change every time. Trust in your guests. They’ll bring themselves, messy and all, to contribute to an interesting and meaningful gathering.

People want to join. Don’t overthink or overdo it.