7 Attributes of Connection

The Science & Heart of Human Connection

In her book Wired to Connect, Amy Banks, M.D., quickly dispels long-held beliefs that humans should be able to disconnect from what others think, and the ultimate psychological goal of any adult should be pure independence––able to self-soothe, go it alone, and find happiness without relationships. Scientific studies within the past two decades are quickly showing us that we need each other in order to live longer lives––our biology evolved beyond our independent reptilian brains to social mammalian brains.

We now know that our social connections contribute to our physical health and longevity. We need each other. We need to connect, daily and throughout our entire lives. Just as a doctor wouldn’t send home a patient with a broken arm saying, “good luck with that,” we have got to stop telling each other to “get over” any social pain. We can support each other and ask for support in return. It’s in our biology to be healers with a kind word, a hug, and honest vulnerability.

After reading through dozens of books and research papers, we’ve come up with seven attributes a person can nourish in order to cultivate real and meaningful connection.

01. EMPATHY // COMPASSION

As modern neuroscience has discovered, we're wired for empathy. We literally have brain circuits focused on "feeling with" others. "It's a genetic imperative for us to care," says James Doty, M.D., a professor of neurosurgery at Stanford University. It's essential to the survival and flourishing of our species. -SHARON SALZBERG, REAL LOVE

Just twenty years ago, Neurophysicists at the University of Palma discovered that human brains produce a mirroring effect when simply observing someone else doing something physical: when one person rubbed their hands, the observer’s hands also warmed up––literally. Our brains produce the same reaction as if we were actually performing the action ourselves. This internal mimicry is developed in infancy, and we carry it in our biology throughout our entire lives.

This empathetic response has its reverse as well––we can feel each other’s pain as if it were our own. We feel empathy, which hopefully leads us to feel compassion. We feel with the other person––judgement melts away, and you feel “me too; I’ve been there.” It can be difficult to sit with someone when the pain is acute.

“Compassion hurts. When you feel connected to everything, you also feel responsible for everything. And you cannot turn away. Your destiny is bound with the destinies of others. You must either learn to carry the Universe or be crushed by it. You must grow strong enough to love the world, yet empty enough to sit down at the same table with its worst horrors.” -Andrew Boyd

Our empathy requires courage to show compassion, to connect rather than turn away and disconnect.

02. ATTENTION

“Attention is vitality. It connects you with others. It makes you eager. Stay eager.” - Susan Sontag

Pay attention to each other: listen to what they’re saying and practice deep listening; see them for who they really are––a human being doing their very best with the tools they have been given. We were all shaped differently in different families and different communities. Get curious and watch a person to discover exactly what makes them interesting. Keep asking questions.

The growing popularity of mindfulness practices is centered on decades of research that shows that when we pay attention to what is happening right now, including paying attention to the people we are with, we are able to connect with them in a nonjudgemental way and accept them where they’re at. If a person is displaying negative behavior, it’s not that you condone that behavior, but you are able to tap into real empathy that connects you. You can observe the interaction with equanimity and compassion.

“The soul is contained within the voice.” -David Isay, Creator of Story Corps

03. Contribute

The University of Notre Dame’s Science of Generosity Project brings together researchers from multiple disciplines to ask questions about the causes and effects of generosity. One project led by researchers Christian Smith and Hilary Davidson, The Generosity Paradox, scientifically shows that,

Those who give, receive back in turn. In giving of ourselves for others’ well-being, we enhance our own well-being as well...In short, if we fail to care for others, we do not properly take care of ourselves. An examination of the survey and interview data reveals not only that generous practices, or a lack thereof, shape personal growth, purpose, health, and happiness, but also how generosity is linked with well-being.

Others’ well-being is inextricably connected to our well-being. If we want to live healthy, long lives, then we must show up and contribute our time, money, and love. The research shows that the adverse is true as well––if we withhold ourselves from others and our communities, we will suffer.

04. Courage to Be Vulnerable

“Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.” -Brene Brown

How do expect to deeply connect with others when we present an edited version of ourselves? We often mistake our need to fit in as a need to conform. In reality, to fit in with a group or an individual, you must be willing to real, honest, and vulnerable. In the end, do we really want to form relationships based on a false self? Ask yourself, what kind of connections do I want to build and nourish?

Often we hide ourselves because we feel shame about ourselves for one or many reasons. Brown also found in her research that, “Shame is really easily understood as the fear of disconnection: is there something about me that, if other people know it or see it,that I won’t be worthy of connection?”

Turns out that connection is not about a person’s worth, but about a person’s survival. You’ll live longer if you’re connected––which means you’ll live longer if you’re honest and more vulnerable. People who are unable to be with sadness, confusion, and conflict will lose out on the chance to experience and witness resilience.

05. Inclusion

“Our sensitivity to social rejection is so central to our well-being that our brains treat it like a painful event, whether the instance of social rejection matters or not.” - Matthew Lieberman, Social

Researchers came up with a digital game, Cyberball, where the player (human) tossed a ball back and forth with two virtual people. They programmed the game so that, eventually, the two virtual people would stop throwing the ball to the person. Whether or not the person playing the game knew that the game was programmed to do this, did not change the fact that they felt physical pain that was detectable in their brains because they felt rejected.

Of course, it is impossible to include everyone all the time in every situation. However, if you are interested in nourishing connection, be aware that when someone is excluded, they experience physical pain. Be mindful, and find other ways to include as many people as you can at different times and ways. You can always include people in your kindness and compassion. Witnessing someone else’s pain will make you a more aware and empathetic person.

06. Intelligence

Human connection is wired into the intelligence of our brains. When our brains are “resting,” they are usually thinking about social matters and relationships. Becoming aware of and cultivating our social connection is nurturing our natural intelligence. We successfully evolved and survived as a species because of our social intelligence.

Consider these points made by Professor of Psychology and researcher at UCLA, Matthew D. Lieberman, in his book Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect

• “Intelligence is intelligence whether it’s being applied to social life, chess, or studying for a final exam.”

• “One of the things that distinguish primates from other animals, and humans from other primates, is the size of our brains…Our big brains allow us to engage in all sorts of intellectual activities.”

• “If we look at the brain when a person isn’t being asked to do anything in particular, we see the social cognition network turned on.”

• “One of the primary drivers behind our brains becoming enlarged was to facilitate our social cognitive skills––our ability to interact and get along well with others.”

Survival of the fittest turns out to be those with the most developed social skills.

07. LOVE

Love is what every human wants deep down. It’s what we’re all looking for and seeking with every thought and action we produce. Love is the risk that all of us, over and over again, take. Lieberman’s research shows that we are willing to experience the pain that comes with connection as well because the rewards are powerful:

“But it requires us to pay for it with the possibility of pain, real pain, every time we connect with another human being who has the power to leave us or withhold love. Evolution has made its bet that suffering was an acceptable price to pay for all the rewards of being human.”

To drill down more into the science, researchers have also found that the more our bodies release oxytocin, the longer we will live. Loving and feeling loved produce this powerful neuropeptide:

“When we act compassionately, our vagal tone––or the neural connection between the brain, the heart, and other organs––increases.This, in turn, leads to the release of oxytocin, the feel-good neuropeptide that calms the sympathetic neurosystem, including the fight-or-flight––that is, fear––response. As a result, our heart rates and blood pressures drop, inflammation is reduced, our immune systems are strengthened, we're less prone to stress––and we may even live longer. Researchers have actually proven that strong social relationships predict a 50 percent increased change at longevity. What's more, the greatest advantages come not from receiving love but from offering it to others.” -Sharon Salzberg, Real Love

It’s true: the more you give, the more you receive. If you want love, then love. If you want connection, then connect. How will you connect today?

Bitesize Wisdom on Connection

“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.” - Brene Brown

“I am struck by how sharing our weakness and difficulties is more nourishing to others than sharing our qualities and successes.” - Jean Vanier

“Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive.” -Dalai Lama XIV